Changes at West Park Secondary School Since 1950

The diagrams below show the changes that have taken place at west park Secondary school since its construction in 1950.

3 sample answers, estimated Band 6.0–7.0. Your turn?

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From essays on this question

Key features: Changes at West Park Secondary School Since 1950

WhyThis is aMap — it asks you to describe how a place changed.

SoWe split the points intoOverview(the overall change to the place)andKey changes(what was added, removed, moved or kept).

Overview

2 points

Key changes

7 points

Same question · Different responses

Sample responses and feedback

Response 01

Must fixSuggested

Answer · 141 words · 6 paragraphs · 19 comments

Score details

Response 01
Estimated band6.0/ 9

Overall assessment

The report selects the main additions and removals and notes that the road remains unchanged. However, the sentence linking the science-block addition and playground reduction blurs two different dates. Mechanical linking, comma splices and awkward passive structures also reduce clarity. The response is slightly under length, so added detail should clarify the timing rather than simply add words.

TA

Task Achievement

The overview identifies the main additions and removals, and most features are covered. However, linking the reduced playground to the 1980 science-block addition confuses the timing: the playground remains unchanged in 1980 and becomes smaller in 2010. The response is slightly under the required length.

6.0
CC

Coherence and Cohesion

Ideas are organised chronologically with simple linking devices, but progression is somewhat mechanical and a few sentences, like the houses paragraph, are choppy and under-developed.

6.0
LR

Lexical Resource

Vocabulary is generally adequate for describing map changes, with some flexibility (significant alterations, substantial changes), though word choice lapses such as 'abridged' for the playground reduce precision.

6.0
GRA

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

A range of structures is attempted, including passives and relative clauses, but frequent errors such as the comma splice in the farmland sentence and 'there were built science block' limit accuracy.

6.0

What to work on next

Separate the 1980 addition of the science block from the playground reduction in 2010. Then repair the comma splice in the farmland sentence and the construction 'there were built science block'.

From essays on this question

Useful vocabulary: Changes at West Park Secondary School Since 1950

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