Sample response & feedback

Celebrity Glamour, Wealth, and Impact on Youth

Question

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example for young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Annotated response

13 correction notes

Showing 13 correction notes.

It is a well-known fact that most celebrities and TV personalities are better known for their luxurious lifestyles than their performance or accomplishments. Consequently, their extravagant lifestyle in the youth, and I believe it negatively impacts youngsters. The negative impacts will be discussed in the subsequent paragraphs

Nowadays, there are several famous celebrities and actors who are extremely popular due to their extravagant lifestyle, instead of their acting skills or performances. Such celebrities always manage to make it to the headlines by either in the films or in real life. Therefore, these kinds of celebrities have a negative influence on young people because instead of influencing people with their achievements and accomplishments, they try to manipulate youngsters by their wealth and luxurious lifestyle.

Furthermore, there are some famous superstars in the entertainment industry whose acting skills might be average. Still, they always manage to stay in the headlines by showing off their lifestyles. Their behaviour and attitude an adverse influence on teenagers. For example, Kylie Jenner, who is famous for her reality show, usually shows off her palatial mansion, high-profile parties, and instead of merely acting. Thus, it is possible that the young people will easily get influenced by her behaviour and her rich lifestyle, which would have a negative effect on them.

Though there are a few actors in the entertainment industry who portray positive acts on screen and are extremely talented, there are who spoil young minds.

In a nutshell, we can reiterate that all TV personalities have positive and negative impacts on people. But the difference lies in the influence they have on the people, either positively or negatively. Thus, in my opinion, people should be relatively selective in choosing their ideal role models.

Overall assessment

Why this response received Band 7.0

The response presents a clear position with relevant, well-chosen examples such as Kylie Jenner, supported by a good range of vocabulary. Its main limitations are repetitive development of the same idea, a formulaic paragraph-opening style, and a conclusion that partly shifts away from the essay's argument.

IELTS criteria

How each score was decided

TR Task Response

6.5

The position is clearly stated and supported with relevant examples, but ideas remain somewhat repetitive and the conclusion drifts toward a generalised message rather than consolidating the argument.

CC Coherence and Cohesion

6.5

Progression is broadly clear with logical paragraphing, though linking devices are somewhat mechanical and the fourth paragraph feels underdeveloped relative to the whole.

LR Lexical Resource

7.0

Vocabulary shows range through words such as “palatial” and “opulent”, but expressions such as “instigates such attitudes” and “creating sensational acts” are imprecise or awkward. Repetition and formulaic phrasing also limit flexibility.

GRA Grammatical Range and Accuracy

7.0

A good range of structures is used with generally accurate control, including complex sentences, while minor slips such as 'a lot many others' remain rare and non-impeding.